Once upon a time in a strange and wonderful universe called…the Universe, there was a tiny little planet named Bob. Bob was a lush and peaceful place, full of rich dark forests that had the most magical ability to soften sounds of all kinds. Some people said it was because of the fine fuzz that coated some of the thicker vines, and some argued that the bright pink flowers that Bob’s forests were known for throughout the Universe held a pollen so thick, sound would simply get lost inside it.
But the ruler of Bob knew better. She knew very well that Bob was so quiet not because of fuzzy vines or pink flowers, but because she commanded it to be so. Her name was Prettiest Princess Kiki. And Kiki liked things quiet.
One day, while lounging about in her quiet way, Prettiest Princess Kiki, or PPK as everyone called her because it made less noise than “Prettiest Princess Kiki,” heard an awful ruckus. Her cute nose wrinkling up into as near a scowl as she could muster, she whispered,
“Where are the vile beginners of this disturbance?”
No one answered, but the ruckus grew. And it grew closer.
“Hmpf,” she hmpfed, and began to pass the evil eye over the lands. She looked to the east, but nothing was there but the lush green forest with its silent pink flowers. She looked to the north, where the cool arctic winds blew whisper-quiet over silent snow. But there was nothing to be seen. In the south, only small colorful birds sat quietly in trees, rustling about in their noiseless bird-like way. All was as it should be in these corners of her land.
As she turned and faced west, she saw it: ruckus personified. And noisy ruckus to boot. The evil eye narrowed and the universally recognizable sign for “shut up or die” appeared on PPK’s face. PPK was not pleased. Dick was here. And boy could Dick make some noise. PPK sighed almost loudly.
“Hiya Princess!” Dick shouted at the top of his lungs in his usual cheerful way. When no response came, Dick shouted a little louder.
“I said, Hiya…” But the words didn’t make it much further than that because PPK had very quietly removed one of her fashionable yet comfy flats and hit him square in the head with it, knocking him clean out. Her day was improving every second, she thought with a grin.
She stood over him, admiring the little print her little shoe had made on his forehead and smiled. He was kind of cute when he was quiet, she mused. She had never really noticed before since, well, he really wasn’t quiet very often…like, almost never.
“Take him to my quarters, and tape his mouth in case he decides to say something,” she gestured to her minions. She never had to speak to them. Good minions are like that.
He awoke some time later, finding himself hanging upside down by his toes with tape over his mouth…and very, very naked. Oddly he thought to himself, this happens to me more often than you’d think. This brought an involuntary chuckle from behind his taped up kisser and stirred the sleeping Princess, who mumbled wordlessly in her slumber.
He had never seen her sleep. He’d seen her wrinkle up her nose at him before, oh sure, lots of times. It was kind of cute, and sometimes he did things just to watch her do it. She’d never hit him with half a pair of flats before either, though. That was a new trick. But he’d never seen her fast asleep, eyes gently closed as she softly turned in her sheets, lips parted slightly in a wordless whisper, and it intrigued him. He knew her to be the prettiest princess in all the lands but he had never really seen her. The thought made him smile as much as one could smile while hanging upside down by ones toes with tape over their mouth. He fell asleep, too.
From the north came a mighty wind that circled round and round, rustling the birds from their perches and tearing pink flowers from fuzzy vines, spreading their thick pollen into the air. It flowed throughout the land settling on everything and everyone. Emo, the town drunk ran through the street, mouth agape in his drunken guy running through the street way and when the first grain of pollen touched his tongue the townsfolk knew: this was no ordinary pollen, this was chattering pollen! For the life of him, Emo couldn’t shut up. He chattered on endlessly about stocks and bonds, politics and religion and the color of the sky, driving himself mad until he fled to the magical portal and moved to a little place called Earth to become a senator.
The rest of the people, their lips sealed as usual watched and waited until the pink pollen settled. Everyone except one: Prettiest Princess Kiki lay asleep in her bed, her soft lips ever so slightly parted. And with a gentle breath, the pink pollen found her pink tongue.
She woke with a start! The magical dust had worked so quickly. It started as a whisper, hasty but impassioned. The princess was stronger than most though, and she fought it. But soon it overtook her and she chattered away, bewitched by the strange magic of the pollen. This of course, awoke Dick.
His tape still in place and his toes still secure to the ceiling, he watched as PPK gazed at him with pleading eyes, useless words falling endlessly from her perfect lips. At first he was tempted to leave her this way, just desserts and all that. But he couldn’t get the image of her lying quietly in her bed from his mind. It coursed through him, warm and comfortable, like hot chocolate with those tiny marshmallows on a winter day. He cursed quietly beneath his tape, and bending up to the ceiling easily freed himself.
He walked to the princess and stood before her, magical chatter spilling around him as he gently pulled the tape from his mouth. Her eyes still plead, a voice he would always be able to hear, no matter what words came from her mouth. He smiled ever so subtly, and kissed her. For hours and hours he kissed her. He kissed her while the townspeople in full biohazard gear cleaned up the pollen. He kissed her while teams with giant weed-whackers removed fuzzy green vines and pretty pink flowers. He kissed her while they planted gardenias and lilies instead.
And all was quiet once more.
No one really knows where the pretty pink flowers came from, and no one really talks about it much these days. There are rumors, though. Some say a mad witch planted them when they took her land long ago in a poker game gone awry. Still, some say they were always here. But Kiki knew better. Let them think what they please, she mused to no one in particular. She would never tell a soul that she had planted them herself. Kiki liked kissing.